The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
