what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
It was confusing and full of hummus
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
