I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
