i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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