It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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