shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
