Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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