Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
