My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
