like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
