when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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