I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
