new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
