apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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