chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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