my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
