Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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