Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
