this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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