Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
