I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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