I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
