While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
two words: eviction party
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
