Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We are two peas in an std pod
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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