Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I would ride that face into the sunset
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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