It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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