Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
