remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
