she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
