I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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