i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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