I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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