so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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