Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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