I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
