It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
