I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just had sex on a roof
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
