I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
