I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i think i have herpe
just one?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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