she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
