Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Of course I have a pirate flag
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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