either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
