mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
