I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
