If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
