you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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