when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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