It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
