I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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