I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
